Gone In Sixty Minutes

4:00pm until 5:00pm last Saturday.

“Just going to follow the second half of the Palace game”

“Okay – how are they getting on?”

“One all at half-time.  To be honest I think I will take the draw.  It might be a dull second half – both teams have struggled lately”

“Follow it on Twitter then.  It’ll liven things up!”

“Good point!”

A few minutes pass …

“Oh lord – Wickham is injured.  They have been treating him for ages now.  Not a great start to the second half.  Sounds bad too”

“Look I don’t need a minute-by-minute update on another dull Palace game. Take solace on Twitter”

“Twitter has been a bit volatile lately …”

“Keyboard heroes sitting in their bedrooms changing the world”

“One of them did though…”

“That’s Americans for you”

“It’s a tad more complicated than that …. Oh no …”

“What NOW?”

“Swansea scored …  sounds like another comedy set piece goal.  This is getting ridiculous.  We should be good at defending free kicks”

“Has Twitter stayed calm and composed?”

“Not so much.  Twitter just fired Pardew as the ball crossed the line”

“… that’s the same Twitter that wrote the manual on defending set pieces in less than a hundred and forty characters”

“Yes – except the Twitter soldiers may have a point …”

“What do you mean?”

“Three-one.  Another scrappy set-piece where we messed up the marking”

“Pardew still fired I take it?”

“Oh yes … double fired with extreme vengeance”

“Pardew isn’t actually on the pitch though – can’t they sack the players instead?”

“Don’t worry about that – Twitter is pretty clear on what should happen to Martin Kelly too”

“Play him in his best position, perhaps?”

“That’s not what they’re saying, to be honest!”

“Poor guy.  Anyway, you’re three-one down. Guessing there is no way back from that”

“Can’t see it – Wickham is off and no-one else looks like scoring … although we have won a corner now”

“Your luck might turn – a goal mouth scramble when the ball deflects in off a random thigh …”

“Won’t happen – we don’t get goals like that or ones where there is a crazy deflection where the keeper has no chance”

“Three-all you say”


“Pardew un-sacked?”

“Pretty much”

“Three-all, so just as you were at half-time, but with a bit more excitement”

“Yes – now it’s time to be calm – we’ll take the point, we’ll take the point…”

“There’s been too much excitement for one day”

“Agreed – except we have just won a corner”

“Really?  Sounds like Swansea are as bad at defending as Palace are”

“Worse in fact”


“Four three!! Four flipping three”

“That is nuts – you were three-one down a few minutes ago”

“Benteke scored – what a player – Pardew’s big signing.   Looking good!  This could be one of the great results”

“And gotta be first slot on Match of the Day for a change”

“Oh for sure”

“How is Twitter taking this?”

“Twitter is wondering if there is a stage below melt-down.”

“And Pardew?– can you be doubly un-sacked?”

“No idea , but he has taken the fastest journey from naughty boy to Messiah you have ever seen”

“A win would be a real confidence boost!  The start of a march back up the table”

“You’re not kidding – we just need to avoid giving away any free kicks or corners in these last few minutes”

“Didn’t you say Wickham was taken off after a lot of treatment?”

“oh yes – true”

“so lots of injury-time then”

“forgotten about that.”

“sorry for reminding you”

“Seven minutes of injury-time.  That’s too long”

“you there?”

“what happened?”



“is Pardew a naughty boy again?”

“Twitter has chosen using slightly stronger words than naughty … or boy”

“A draw still a good result though, once everyone calms down”

“Seven minutes injury time, remember …”


“And Swansea have a free kick”


“Definitely first game on Match of the Day tonight”


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