Bonus Track
I was taking my son around the Crystal Palace Football Club museum, situated on the site of ‘The Nest’, the ground we used before Selhurst Park.
We stared at an object that looked like a fire alarm, one of those small square red boxes nailed to a wall, with glass on the front and a metallic button inside. The glass had long since been broken, and you could see finger prints all over the button and it’s surround.
I turned to the magnificently side-burned museum attendant and asked what on earth this object was, and why was it worthy of a place in this hallowed institution?
“It’s like the Palace bat-phone”, he replied.
My son’s attention was piqued! This sounded interesting.
“Sorry, I don’t understand”, I replied. “A Palace bat-phone?”
“It’s pretty straight-forward actually. You would press the button and it would take you straight through to Steve Kember’s home phone number. Every time Palace fired their manager, they used to head for the bat phone. You can see how many times it was used, can’t you?”
By this stage, we were near the end of our museum visit. We had seen the suitcase containing Barry Silkman and Rachid Harkouk’s dodgy fifties, I had diverted my son as we had walked past the photos of Fiona Richmond in the team bath, and we had enjoyed the satellite photo of the ball flying over Norwood Junction station after John Pemberton’s penalty miss on Easter Monday 1989.
I smiled at the memory of the club’s erratic and often comedic history. It is a history with chapters that are often very short.
Another chapter ended this week, and that has made me sad. One of the joys of supporting Palace, if joy is the right word, is that it is never dull! And in appointing Ian Holloway we had the ultimate ‘never dull’ manager.
He started brilliantly, with his unbelievably positive comments after an unbelievably positive performance against Blackburn. He talked the talk so well that day, lifting the whole crowd. We had been down after the apparently inexplicable decision of Dougie to go to … (Where was it again? I forget) … somewhere else. And we had just watched a fantastic performance to beat a recently relegated side.
And yet he couldn’t keep that momentum going. It was never quite the same again.
At the point he joined the team had gelled and were playing great football. Bolasie’s form meant Zaha couldn’t be double-marked. Murray was nearly always in the right place. Jedi & KG were bossing the midfield. We were playing the best football since AJ was at his peak. We were the form team in the league.
And we understood that he wanted to tweak a little bit here, a little bit there, to put his stamp on the team. And when it didn’t quite work, we never quite struggled enough for it to be critical.
And we just about held on to a play-off spot where in a way it all went wrong for Holloway. He did a great inspirational job and we beat Brighton! Then Watford! But most of all, we beat Brighton, and all was good!
And because he had done a good job with Blackpool, he’d help us stay up!
Except Blackpool never lost the two key players that got them promoted!
And was it the loss of Zaha and Murray that caused what we now know was a panic ahead of the close of the transfer window? I tried to rationalise it at the time, and it seems my positive spin was off the mark. Actually it really was rather more chaotic and amateurish than we realised.
Not because Holloway or Parish or anyone is an idiot. Far from it.
Because, for all the money and the prestige, it is a big step up and a much higher level of competition. And because the money creates noise in the form of players and agents and press gossip and internet chaos. And then the clock starts ticking and you fall asleep with Jim White maniacally reminding you how little time there is to save your team.
And so you buy a new team, and you lose count of how many players you have. And then you have to play Manchester United away with a new team. And then the new team all disappear on international duty for two weeks. And then Swansea turn up and they’re a bit good. And so are Southampton. And bloody Suarez is back just in time for the Liverpool game. And we really need to sort things out. And what do you mean it is international bloody week again, we just had one of those.
Where has everyone gone? Don’t worry, they say, it’s Fulham next. They’re no good. It’ll be fine. There you go, one nil up! One of the new guys scored. Can’t remember his name though! Nice guy anyway, look how tightly he’s marking the number eight, taking him away from goal … GOAL! Blimey! What happened then! That was unbelievable, a one-off! Can’t happen again! Can it? Not Sidwell, he only scores one a season … Looks like he got it early this year! My brain is hurting now! Really hurting….
It’s ok. Someone told me about a button. There’s this button you press. Loads of others have used it.
Steve Kember comes and taps you on the shoulder and all is well.
All is well.
Article written by Neil Carter
